How to stop seeking confirmation of love

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It is impossible to convince others that we love them: our feeling of being loved depends not only on how the partner behaves but also on whether we can accept their feelings and whether we believe in their sincerity. We seek confirmations when, for one reason or another, there is no faith.

Doubts may be justified or unfounded, but the main thing is that they do not allow you to feel love, even if the partner diligently displays it. If there is faith, then we are no longer talking about the requirements of evidence but rather about the missing manifestations of love. Let’s take a closer look at the possible causes of doubt. Three basic scenarios can be distinguished.

The love is absent, but we don’t want to believe this

The scenario is unpleasant, but sometimes doubts that they don’t love us can be quite justified. Everyone has their criteria for love, but the main indicator that something goes wrong is when we feel bad, and even if the partner makes efforts to change the situation, everything ultimately remains the same.

It would seem that everything is simple: if you do not like us, you need to leave and then go meet European girls and other people. Why, then, wait for evidence of love? It is a great difficulty to part because the new is always unknown and scary. Our psyche needs time to realize what is happening and to rebuild. In psychology, this process is called grieving.

It is important to give yourself time for this and gain support. When it realizes that the old relationship is no longer there, and the current one does not suit us, the desire to part with a partner, as a rule, becomes obvious and natural. However, this path is greatly complicated if the fear of losing relationships is too strong.

What to do?

⎯ Do not drop the hammer: it is important to understand the causes of doubt, to understand how well-founded they are.
⎯ Share your thoughts and feelings with a partner. If you do not feel their love, tell them about it, explain why this is so, and what exactly you are missing, and the more the better.
⎯ Give yourself time to hear the inner answer to the question of whether you want to stay in such a relationship. If after a heart-to-heart talk it’s still bad, but you cannot make your own decision, turn to a psychologist for help.

Our partner loves us, but we cannot believe this

This scenario is directly related to a traumatic experience once lived through. To understand how they relate to you, it is useful to ask yourself a question, what exactly causes doubts about love, how justified they are, and whether you had to feel something like this before.

The parent-child relationship lays in us the basis of interaction with ourselves and with the world. As a result of psycho-injuries, children begin to look at the world through glasses of mistrust and grow together with them so that even when they encounter a completely different attitude to themselves, they subconsciously wait for the repetition of that painful experience. Tormented by doubts, they seek to obtain evidence of the partner’s love, but even after repeated confirmations, they cannot calm down: the assimilated distrust is stronger.

We can show, not prove love, and the partner has the right to believe or not to believe in our feelings. And if you find yourself in the “don’t believe – prove” cycle, this is a sure sign of being stuck in a previously received trauma.

What to do?

⎯ Pay attention to the difference between what was once in childhood or previous painful relationships, and how the current partner behaves.
⎯ Share with your partner your fears of intimacy and trust and doubts about their love. The best evidence that the past is already behind is the sincere surprise of the partner in response to your story.

We lack signs of attention, so we cannot feel love

This scenario is not entirely about evidence of love but rather about the fact that now you are missing something. Relations are not linear. New projects, a change of status, the birth of children significantly affect us, and at some point, we may feel a lack of partner love – or rather, some of its manifestations.

Our feelings are significantly affected by the languages ​​of love we speak with each other. Each has its own set: hugs, gifts, help in solving difficulties, intimate conversations. You probably have one or two leading ways of expressing and accepting love. Your partner may have completely different ones.

What to do?

⎯ Tell your partner what is important to you, and the more specific, the better. For example: “It is important for me that when you come home, you hug and kiss me. So I feel loved.”
⎯ Ask your partner in which language they show love. Start to notice how they do it.

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