In a story, there was a man and his son who wanted to sell their donkey. Along the way, people kept giving them advice on how to handle the donkey. Some said they should ride the donkey, others said the old man should ride alone, and some felt sorry for the donkey. They tried to please everyone by changing their actions but ended up losing the donkey. The moral of the story is, if you try to please everyone, you might end up pleasing no one.
If you often feel like you’re always trying to make others happy or saying yes to too many requests, this guide is for you.
Why We Want to Please People
Wanting to make others happy is a good thing, but it can go too far. Some people try too hard to say yes to everyone and everything, and it can make them anxious or sad. When you’re constantly trying to please others, you might forget about what you want and need.
If you feel like you’re going too far to please people, one way to help yourself is by learning how to say no. In this guide, we’ll talk about how to say no in a way that feels right for you. It’s an important skill, even if you only feel a little bit like you’re always putting others before yourself.
Section 1: Understanding Your Yeses
Take a close look at your yeses
Most of us get asked for things every day. Some requests we want to say yes to, while others we feel we have to say yes to. But there are times when saying no is a good choice. People who always say yes might be doing it for the wrong reasons. So, how can you tell if you’re always trying to please others?
For one week, keep track of all the times you say yes, how many there are, how you feel about it, and how it affects your life. At the end of the week, look at your notes. People-pleasing can show up in different ways. It might mean you can’t say no at all, always saying yes to extra work or helping others even when you’re tired. Or it might mean you want to appear nice and agreeable all the time, holding back what you really think or apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong.
Section 2: Figuring Out Why You Say Yes
Think about why you say yes
Think about why you always say yes. Some people do it because they only feel safe when others like them. If that’s why you’re saying yes, it might be too much. Some people say yes to get something in return, like acceptance, recognition, thanks, or even money and power. If that’s why you’re saying yes, instead of because you really want to, it might be time to say no.
Section 3: Facing Your Fears
Think about what you’re afraid will happen if you say no
Think about why you’re scared to say no. During your week of tracking your yeses, ask yourself what would happen if you said no. Notice if your answers are more about upsetting others or ruining relationships rather than just not being able to do something practical.
Section 4: Taking Your Time to Decide
Don’t answer right away
One good way to say no is to wait before saying yes. It might be a habit to always agree when someone asks for something. Before saying yes or no, take some time to think.
If it’s a face-to-face request, you can say you need to check your schedule or that you’ll get back to them later. If it’s through a text or email, you can wait before responding or tell them you’ll let them know.
While you’re thinking, consider your boundaries. Think about what you’re willing to do and if saying yes would be too much. Also, think about how this decision might affect you in the short and long term. Saying yes might help in the short run, but it could create problems later on.
Section 5: Starting with Small Nos
Start with small nos
To get better at saying no, practice with small requests first. Say no to things that don’t matter much, like extra guacamole or signing a petition you don’t care about. These are situations where saying yes would make someone happy, but the interaction isn’t very personal.
By saying no to small things, you can practice being more confident. From there, you can move on to saying no to low-stakes requests that you usually say yes to, like taking a break from doing something at work or with friends.
Another way to practice is by changing how you talk in emails or texts. There’s even a tool called Just Not Sorry that can help you avoid using language that makes you seem unsure or sorry for things you shouldn’t be.
Section 6: Use Positive Language
Choose your words carefully
When you’re ready to say no, be clear in your language. Saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” is more effective. For example, say “I don’t eat meat” or “I don’t work on weekends.” This makes it sound like you’re making a choice, not just being restricted.
Studies have shown that saying “I don’t” feels more empowering. “I don’t” is a choice, while “I can’t” feels like something is being forced on you. Use this trick with yourself too. Instead of thinking “I can’t say no,” think “I don’t always say yes.”
Section 7: Explain Your Refusal in a Relational Way
Explain why you can’t help this time
When you say no, you might want to explain why. Instead of giving a long explanation, use a relational refusal. This means you explain that you can’t help because you have other commitments.
For example, if you can’t take on an extra work project, you can say that you’re already committed to your family or another project. This way, you show that you have other responsibilities.
Section 8: Recognize That Saying No Is Normal
Notice when others say no
Take some time to notice that saying no is common. Keep a record of times when people can’t do something, not because they don’t like you, but because they have their own reasons.
Remember the times when someone said no to you. Usually, it didn’t cause any harm to your relationship. Realize that saying no is a normal part of life, and it doesn’t mean people don’t like you.
Conclusion
Trying too hard to please everyone can have the opposite effect you want. It can seem like you’re trying to manipulate or control others to get what you want. People can often tell when you’re saying yes just to benefit yourself.
Also, always trying to please others doesn’t let them know what you’re really feeling. Learning to say no might be hard at first, but it’s a common thing. As you practice saying no when you need to, you’ll build better, longer-lasting relationships.
So, remember that it’s okay to say no sometimes. It’s about finding a balance between helping others and taking care of yourself. By using these techniques, you can grow as a person and have more meaningful relationships.