Think 50 Shades of Grey's Christian Grey is the sexiest thing alive? We sure hope not. But even if you do don't worry, comedian Nina Oyama has come up with an emergency list of way sexier grey's for you to obsess over.
For those of you who don’t know, 50 Shades of Grey, the bestselling book and worst written erotic novel is being turned into a movie, which is set to be released in 2015. The book has been described as a romance novel, and it involves a nubile college grad (named Anastasia) falling in love with a successful older man (the titular Christian Grey). He’s into romantic stuff like making Ana sign sex contracts before he takes her to his creepy BDSM dungeon. That’s not all though, he also tells Ana that she can’t make eye contact with him or touch him, and then proceeds to take her virginity, because he’s a nice guy like that. What a catch!
So, just quickly, before we’re all thrust forcefully back into 50 Shades of stupidity (not against our will, we signed a contract, obviously). We’d like to remind you that Christian Grey is not actually sexy, so next time you’re tempted to pick up the book, here are some Grey things that are sexier than Christian Grey and would undoubtedly romance a woman better than he ever could.
1. Jennifer Grey
It goes without saying that Jennifer Grey is sexier than Christian Grey. To back that theory up, she was the lead in one of the most romantic movies of all time, Dirty Dancing. Dirty Dancing is also a movie about a young girl who falls in love with an older man, except rather than ending in a belt to the butt and loads of tears, it ends with the two main characters dancing and the best dance-lift of all time.
2. Theon Greyjoy
Theon Greyjoy is a fictional character from HBO’s Game of Thrones. He is the ward of Ned Stark. Theon has been through a lot. He is basically the Anastasia Steele of the Game of Thrones series, he’s been tortured heaps of times and his personal Christian Grey is Ramsay Snow. Ramsay Snow also owns a creepy dungeon (though they are not uncommon in the GoT world) and he severed Theon Greyjoy’s penis. In his current state, Theon is the least sexy of all these options, but let’s just say, when he did have a penis, the GoT wenches seemed to enjoy it.
3. Grey’s Anatomy
Like most fictional hospitals, Grey’s Anatomy contains more sexual tension than actual medical practice. At least all their romance comes from the heart. Seriously, there’s an actual episode where a dude gets a new heart and as soon as he wakes up he proposes to the love of his life!
4. Grey Nurse Shark
Another really adorable feature of Christian Grey is that he forbids Ana from seeing other guys, during their time together (even though she’s not allowed to make eye contact with him- how does this work?!) Anyway, the Grey Nurse Shark is polygamous which mean they can have sex with whomever they want. You go Grey Shark Nurse! Be sexual and free!
5. Greyhound Bus
Imagine if a nerdy 21 year old girl fell in love with a bus. Undoubtedly it would be a one sided relationship, but think of the adventures they could have together! Their forbidden love, a Romeo and Juliet-esque love story between transport and human. The bus could keep her safe and warm, recline her seat and play her songs from the radio. Obviously things would end terminally when Ana chooses to ride with another bus company. The bus is initially heartbroken, but then realizes it is a bus, and doesn’t have emotions.
6. Grey Gum
The grey gum tree is named so because of its grey bark, however during the summer the bark falls off, revealing a new light brown layer. There is an actual part of the 50 Shades of Grey where Christian Grey takes a drunk and unconscious Ana back to his apartment (where she’s not yet been) and undresses her. At least when a grey gum tree strips down, it happens of its own accord and in it’s own habitat too.
7. Grey Matter
This is the name given to the stuff that contains your brain’s neuronal cell bodies. The grey matter regions of the brain are involved in muscle control, sensory perception, memory, emotions, speech, decision-making and self control. In other words, Grey Matter is the stuff which keeps regular people from being a sociopathic, manipulative creeper who makes girls sign sex contracts.
8. Grey Goo
Grey Goo is the name given to the hypothetical scenario in which out of control, self replicating robots eventually destroy the world…Even though they’re robots, they probably still have more of a heart than Christian Grey. Let me leave you with this beautifully written piece of prose:
“Why don't you like to be touched" Ana whispered, staring up into soft grey eyes.
"Because I'm fifty shades of f**ked-up, Anastasia.”
It's official, Christian Grey is the most unsexy thing that ever existed, ever.
H/T – sbs.com.au
Credit: Nina Oyama
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